NEWSFLASH – MONSANTO GRANTED PROTEIN PATENT

Washington DC…   After around the clock negotiations with USDA officials, the U.S. Patent Office, and representatives from the Dept. of HEW, Dept. of State, and Dept. of Treasury, Monsanto’s legal counsel presented their agreement to the U.S. Supreme Court.  On a five to four vote, the Court approved the agreement and awarded a patent on protein to Monsanto Corporation of St. Louis, MO

The patent was issued under the new intellectual property rights regulations that passed Congress last week.  The President signed the landmark “Virtual Reality” bill yesterday. In a Rose Garden ceremony at the White House, President Richard Weed declared that this would not “fix everything” but that he was “confident that this is a step in the right direction” and that “this fixation on facts and observations” will soon become a thing of the past.  “Now is the time for creative vision” were his closing words at the brief ceremony before a small crowd of journalists and photographers and Monsanto employees, including several congressmen and senators.

Monsanto’s attorneys presented the case that Monsanto had invented protein after a long and expensive process carried on in a parallel universe over five billion years ago.  Food producers whose products contain protein will now be required to purchase a license and pay royalties.  Richard Head, Lead Attorney for Monsanto, declined to comment on plans for seeking reparations for previous unlicensed protein production except to say “We’re looking into it.”

A senior Monsanto executive, who asked not to be named, said, “This is a tribute to the U.S. legal system that corrects injustice and protects the rights of the people.”  Another Monsanto executive who is member of the “Protein and Consciousness Committee”, who asks to remain anonymous, stated, “This is a far reaching decision that will eventually reposition the current notion of intellectual property rights.”  A high ranking executive in Monsanto’s Financial Division stated, off the record, that “these fees and royalties should bring in somewhere between a hundred zillion to a gazillion dollars annually”.