Naypyitaw Myanmar Sept. 22, 2017
Otnas International Nom Ky Ltd (OINK) announced today that extensive trials of their YIN and YANK Primate Subvarients have been completed with overwhelming success.
“One hundred per cent of our subjects performed at or above standards during the five year trial” stated Peter H. Pan, Chief Financial and Scientific Officer at OINK. “The new gene editing tool, CRISPR, promises to increase our production of Genetically Modified Labor Units exponentially”, said Pan.
“We are prepared to initiate the licensing procedure as soon as the details of the Biotechnology/Intellectual property addendum to the US – SE Asia trade agreement is finalized, which could be as soon as next week. We currently have an extensive backlog of firms that seek to cut their waste of resources on overpriced labor”, said Pan.
Promotional materials provided by OINK explained that the Subvarients have various primate genetic materials including Homo sapiens, chimpanzee and orangutan components. The genetically modified labor units (GMLU) have been tested in manufacturing, construction, extraction and agricultural settings.
According to the OINK information packet the hominid subvarients excel at repetitive tasks over long time periods under difficult and dangerous conditions. It is estimated that over a billion human workers worldwide could be replaced with GMLUs, freeing those humans from these menial tasks. Those humans could then move to more lucrative careers, as well as pursue the Arts, and the companies utilizing the GMLUs would see reductions in their labor costs.
“With food cost skyrocketing, our first objective was to create a subvarient with unique nutritional requirements” explained Pan, “The Yin and Yank varieties have achieved a high level of metabolic efficiency when fed a ration of 25% proprietary whole grain products combined with 75% fecal material from the complementary subvarient. The Yin eats Yank feces and the Yank eats Yin feces. With ongoing research we feel that 80% to 90% fecal material in the ration is possible, creating further labor cost reductions”.
OINK documents stated that each subvarient has it’s own union. All labor organizational issues are handled pre-contract so that licensees can plan for the future with no labor uncertainties.
The morning news conference was briefly interrupted when an unidentified journalist asked Dr. Pan if it was true that their goal was to “have a labor force that subsists by shitting in each others mouths?”
The questioner was removed from the room by security personnel.
Dr. Pan responded to the question, saying that “direct feeding procedures research is in the preliminary stage.”
Unidentified sources reported that the ejected journalist was later involved in an unfortunate pedestrian/bus accident outside the research center. And that his throat had been cut. These reports are unconfirmed