T.I.C. NEWSFLASH
ST. LOUIS MO. – FDA Officials announced the approval of several new vaccines that will reduce the impact of three pandemics that currently threaten world peace.
These new vaccines will address the spread of Satire Suppression Deficit Disorder and it’s subvarients Satirical Sarcasm Syndrome and Sarcastic Satire Syndrome.
FDA Commissioner Victor Swarmie addressed a larger than usual crowd as this was the opening ceremony at the new FDA headquarters compound in St. Louis.
“We are very happy to be able to introduce these significant new medications at the opening of our new facility,” said Commissioner Swarmie, “This pandemic of Satirical Expression threatens all the free peoples of the world. It has taken a unified multinational effort to produce these vaccines. We are confident that it will only be a matter of time until we get this thing turned around.”
After a brief address congratulating the bio-medical research firms that are joint patent holders in the new drugs, Commissioner Swarmie introduced former Secretary of Defense and current CEO of Bio-Nanometrics Pharmaceuticals LLC, Donald Rumsfeld. Bio-Nanometrics is the lead research firm in the development of the new vaccines. Rumsfeld addressed the crowd with his concerns that lack of suppression of the satirical response could have grave consequences for U.S. security. “We’ve found that satire is a gateway thought process that often leads to more deviant thinking such as sedition and treason”, said Rumsfeld, “it’s a slippery slope”. Bio-Nanometrics is the sole patent holder on the vaccine SHUTUPAPHEN that specifically addresses the subvarient infection Sarcastic Satiricalyosis, also referred to as SarSat II. Rumsfeld also announced that Bio-Nanometrics had recently finalized agreements with the FDA to provide quarantine facilities and enforcement for the more severe cases of SarSat II. “Those people started out with so-called satirical humor that is often nothing less than seditious ridicule of government officials and the next thing you know they have a gun in their hand.” He added, “Are we going to wait untill its weapons of mass destruction before we act?” Rumsfeld was followed by Billy Bob Walton, Wal-Mart Family Medicines CEO, who thanked all the researchers and associates at the Wal-Mart Family of Companies for their heroic efforts to bring the UNTRUST vaccine to the American people. UNTRUST is the base of the vaccine therapy for Satire Suppression Deficit Disorder (SSDD). “Our first concern is the safety of the American people”, said Walton. “We have steadfastly held to the rigorous 10X10 Safety Protocol and our trials have been overwhelmingly positive”. 10X10 Safety Protocol requires that ten subjects be followed for ten days to observe for any adverse reactions. “Hospitalizations were well below the fifty percent threshold and fatalities were minimal.”
In closing Walton praised the research staff for their high level of innovation in bringing this first ever over the counter vaccine to market on such short notice.
Commissioner Swarmie resumed the podium to dedicate the new FDA Headquarters to the thousands of American troops fighting overseas. “We, the American people must continue to support our troops at every opportunity”, he said. “God bless America and God bless our troops”
The new FDA facility is a partnership with biotech firm Monsanto Inc. It is located on the Headquarters Campus of Monsanto. Commissioner Swarmie welcomed the families of the many FDA and Monsanto employees that will no longer be required to move back and forth between St. Louis and Washington D.C. The Commissioner received a standing ovation when he told the crowd, “It’s easier to change the sign on an office door than it is to move the whole family half way across the country.” Swarmie praised the new facility as a “great advancement in oversight capability for the safety of the American people.” He also referred to the increased level of security that the Monsanto compound could provide for FDA staff. “After nine eleven there were many questions as to how anyone could fly a hostile aircraft into Washington D.C. air space”, said Swarmie. “We’ve taken that concern out of the equation. Nobody is getting anywhere near to this place”. As part of the government/industry partnership it has been reported that both ground- to-air and ground-to-ground missile batteries were installed at the headquarters facility. An FDA official who declined to be identified stated that he was not at liberty to confirm or deny those reports